(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i hope my email finds you on fire
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.