Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
You Might Also Like
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement