I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Beards are a privilege, not a right
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now