Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
sigh
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Autocorrect is my menesis
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.