The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant