Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*