I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*