“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..