All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
He wanted to make sure😂
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you