Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky