i did the math
You Might Also Like
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality