i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.