Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Any refunds available?…
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
scrabbled eggs
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band