Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
me when i see my girls butt
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…