My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
CRYING
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.