Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”