Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.