Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes