My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t