[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.