My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[eulogy]
line?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Only short people can save us
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.