Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*me flirting
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.