Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there