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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.