Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Thursday Thought.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.