Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Solving a traffic jam
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.