[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
LOOOOOOL
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit