Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.