Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?