The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter