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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
selfie game
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.