[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed