my astrological sign is a french fry
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my nickname in college
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.