Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*