Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.