FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
new career option?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed