If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.