Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
A little too much information.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Room with a view.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas