Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Nomnomnomnom
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..