People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.