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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Oh. My. God.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*