What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Today’s Times
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?