Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled