Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.