If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
why I oughta
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.