The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
#Caturday
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second