Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Thursday
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’