My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
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Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The Sun
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Siri: Retweet me.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*