The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Boating season is upon us.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere