shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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My plans: 2020:
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Hey I worked for it too!
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When they try to steal your moment.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.